Life as it happens. Time as it passes.

Of Forgotten Feelings and Shelved Up Sadness

70 days into my new life as a married man, I underwent certain processes of learning and unlearning some aspects of my being. For the most part, this transition has caused mixed emotions and unknown responses from my inner self. I doubt myself actually whether I’m just attempting to sound profound, or maybe this is really how it is to express yourself from a whole new experience.

For example, a couple of weeks ago, I was out of town for an overnight staff meeting at Tagaytay. While in transit, I had this mental knock on my head that whispered to me I was about to encounter a sad moment that I had already shelved up somewhere supposedly forgotten. I never really figured out what it was until night time came…

…and I was set to sleep alone… away from my Princess.

*chest pain*

Finding myself stuck inside that lonely place of my sleeping solitude, I realized that waiting for tomorrow to come was a feeling similar to having to endure a bad videoke song being rendered by a guy possessed by drunken stupor. And as if it couldn’t get worse, I was stuck in a place where the cellphone signals are no different from blinking flouroscent bulbs ready to rest in peace. I had to roam around the place just to get to a spot where I was at the mercy of a clear network signal. When my connection finally came through, I found myself experiencing a bite-sized feeling of being back home in the loving arms of my wife, which, due to failing power supply, will be terminated in 10 minutes.

I said my goodnights and my “i love you’s” before I regressed back to the forgotten feeling of loneliness. Counting sheep failed me in getting the sleep I needed. But eventually, my eyes wearied and I fell asleep.

Fast forward to tonight, the time of the writing of this post.

Here I am again, out of town for an overnight team building activity. I am here beside the pool, surrounded by some friends who are wreaking havoc on the videoke, emptying bottles of red wine, chatting about what to do tomorrow, and a lot of other stuffs that require a company to enjoy.

I walked away from the crowd, to a spot where tranquility was served free. I stared at the evening sky, and again, I heard that familiar knock in my head. As I stared at the starry, starry night, I thought this was supposed to be one of the sweetest feelings in the world…

…until I realized I was staring at the heavens alone… miles away from my Forevermore.

This, too, was supposed to be a forgotten feeling. A shelved up moment of sadness.

I felt my neck stressing already, realizing I must have been pushing myself hard to imagine myself hugging my wife, when in fact I wasn’t. I bowed my head back to the lonely ground beneath my feet, and walked away… wishing the day would quickly turn to tomorrow, so I could finally get back to my wife’s loving arms.

*chest pain*

Maybe sometime soon I’ll get to learn to swallow this as a bitter pill that every husband will have to experience time again. But for now, I’d like to be spared from remembering this forgotten feeling.

I miss my Princess.

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