1. Minsan nakatambay sa harap ng bahay namin ang mga mag-aamigang daldalera ng barangay. Mga sosyalera din ang apat na magbabarkada. They were in their mid-30’s and they were discussing the prospects of their aging. The oldest of the four, who happens to be beyond her forties butted in and remarked, “Bakit ba masyado kayo nako-concerned sa pagtanda niyo? Dapat nga maging masaya kayo kasi you’re moving on eh.”
Sensing a need for sarcasm, one of the ladies replied, “eh, bakit? ilang taon ka na ba?”
Ayun… nagkasampalan na ang mga prima donna.
2. Open mike segment na sa isang bar sa Malate three weeks ago. Isang lalake ang nangahas kumanta. Hindi siya lasing–he was as sober as the evening shift forest owl. But when he took the mike and started “singing,” he sounded like a backmasked tape.
Sumigaw yung lasing: “SHINTONAAAADOOOH!”
Sa kahihiyan, at pati na rin sa iritado na, naupo at nagmukmok ang monotonous na trying hard na singer.
Heto na yung lasing, nangangahas din. Pagdampot sa mike, hindi pa nga nalalaglag yung token nung videoke machine eh nagsimula nang mag-pasyon ng wala sa panahon.
Gumanti ang sintunado…
“LASIIIIIIIING KA NAAAAAH!”
“BLAM! KABLOW! SBLAK! PAGOOM!”
Moral lesson: Mahirap magsama ang hindi dapat kumakanta, atsaka ang hindi dapat umiinom.
3. I was coming out from a fast food chain when a pauper approached me and begged for money. Knowing fully well the wrong of giving money, I instead told the kid I’ll be giving him my fries. I overheard him whisper softly, “perahin niyo na lang manong.” I caught the statement and immediately explained to the kid in rebuking fashion that I am teaching him to be industrious instead of living a mendicant life. He nodded subtly and tried to convince himself to be happy with what I am about to give him.
When I gave the fries to him, he ran back to the street alley, where three other beggarmates of his were waiting. I couldn’t forget what I saw next.
The beggar gave each piece of french fry for one pesos from his “friends.”
And I thought I knew better.
4. One man was arguing against a Starbucks barista who asked him if he wanted his coffee “for here” or “to go.”
“Why are you using such terms as ‘for here’ and ‘to go’ while we have our own lingo here in the Philippines? Language is a free-flowing art that everybody can improvise and use for their benefit. Those terms are just for the foreigners, you got that?”
After the long treatise on neocolonialism, the barista tactfully apologized and rephrased his question.
“Sir, would you like your drink for dine-in?”
Watch and listen to the customer…
“There! That’s better. No. I won’t have that drink for dine in. Please have that drink for TAKE OFF!”
1. A mom was reprimanding her son for his addiction to Japanese anime shows. She went, “Akala mo ba intelligent yang mga shows na pinapanood mo? Anong klase ng nasyonalismo ang tinuturo niyan sayo? Pilipino kang naturingan tapos ang pinapanood mo mga palabas ng Hapon?”
Inagaw ng nanay yung remote control at nilipat sa Korea novela.
2. Ano nga ba ang tawag natin sa mga pulis? Law enforcers di ba?
Naalala ko lang kasi may kasabay akong pulis na hindi nagbayad ng ng pamasahe sa bus. Nung sinisingil na siya nung kunduktor, tsapa niya ang pinakita niya, sabay sabing “pulis ako, exempt ako sa bayad.”
Pagdating sa dulo, sabi nung katabi ko sa konduktor na singilin yung nagmamatapang na pulis. Sa pag-aakalang kaya niya lahat, pumunta ang nagmamatapang na pulis sa amin para kumprontahin yung katabi ko. Mabilis pa maglakad nung una eh. Nung medyo naaaninagan na yung mukha ng katabi ko, bumagal. Tapos nung mga anim na hakbang na ang layo sa katabi ko, sumaludo.
Hepe pala niya.
3. A socialite Atenean student once attended a language philosophy class. The professor of the class was talking about the beauty of the Filipino language as a medium for philosophical discussions. The socialite, assuming that she knows better, butted in. “Sir, I disagree with your point. I believe English is still the best conversing language. It is powerful, you know.”
And then the professor went, “Iha, p&t@ng !n# m*!”
The strong words seared throught the socialite students so hard, it sent her out of the room.
“See class? Makapangyarihan ang Filipino di ba?”
4. Today’s bad english story comes from one of the final papers of my students.
“Weather or not the adversities are hard, we nought ot to quit and says I quit.”
1. I read one ad from a fast food restaurant, which says, “cleanliness is one of our top priorities.” I read this just before I found out soap residue on my plate and drinking cup.
2. In a hospital somewhere in Pasay, I saw this signboard hanging over the clock which said, “The Filipino On Time!”
Two people died that day, because the doctor was late.
3. A Makati construction site had a wall signage which goes, “safety first.”
I only saw two of the more than 50 construction workers wearing a hard hat.
4. Today’s bad English story was one that I recently heard in a camp I attended. One team’s presentation was about to end. And so the narrator goes:
“And that INCLUDES our presentation for this tonight.”
Patay… hindi na natapos.
1. I was counseling a teenager sometime ago about her fury against her mom. I was trying to justify to her that parents are also human beings who commit mistakes, and that she has to understand her mom sometimes because sometimes the day’s load could really get into her.
Since this conversation was over the text, I decided to make a meeting with the teenager and his elder brother. When we met, I felt my heart drop to the ground as I never fully realized the reason behind the kid’s fury. He had a black eye on the left and some slap marks on the cheek (take note, this had been days after the altercation. the hit must have been so hard that it stayed for some time), and a few scratch wounds on the arms and wrists. When I asked what happened the brother’s kid explained in full graphic detail.
“Nagdilim ng po yung paningin ko nung nasapak ako ni nanay eh…” the kid said.
Hmmm… nagdilim ang paningin sa ilaw ng tahanan?
2. I was once in line for my driver’s license. I’ve been waiting for hours already, plus I haven’t sat down for two hours by that time, when a trying-to-be-witty lady tried to squeeze her way into the line in front of me. Me, being a graduate of UP (university of pila), knew what she was up to. So, with all the courtesy and patience I could muster, I told her, “ma’am, this is not the end of the line. It’s down there.”
Expecting a gentle “oh, sorry” I instead got a shout with a hundred saliva splatters on my face. She began this long treatise on why she should be allowed to be on the line, and that I was not a gentleman in not considering her situation. The guys behind me never even bothered to defend me or help me build a counterrebuttal against the lady. For one, she was wearing skimpy clothes and the guys behind me (who all looked like goons) had been deceived by it. Not me, I said. I’m way too intelligent for this kind of mockery against my right to be first. I tried to be reasonable, but she was in no way backing out. I thought this was getting senseless.
Before she could throw another tongue lashing at me, I just lifted my palm and directed her to quiet down. In short, I gave way.
When it was her turn she pulled out her requirements for the counter’s checker.
“Eh expired na pala lisensya mo eh. Dun ka sa kabilang counter!”
Ahhhhhh… sweet revenge without lifting a finger! =)
3. I was driving along Coastal Road last Tuesday afternoon. In front of me was a van that had the sticker “Jesus is my driver, and I’m in the Passenger Seat.” I liked the sticker’s message! As a preacher, I want that too.
When we got to the end of the highway and into Bacoor, the car suddenly swerved out of my line and into the fast lane. It nearly hit an incoming Honda Civic behind her, who furiously blew the horn against the van’s driver.
The driver rolled down his window, pulled out his arm, and gave the Civic driver a dirty finger.
I think the mad man’s driver, and not the Lord.
4. Today’s bad english stories are the bad pronunciations I’ve recently heard:
“We should all have the spirit of voluncheerism”
“OK class, our topic this week is about the subject and the predikit.”
“Pass your papers hafter you are finished.”
“I asst 20 people on what they think is the best brand of shampoo.”
“Let’s give a round of applause for this year’s gradgets!”
5. And lastly, noong mauso yung mga gel pens, gusto rin nung high school economics teacher namin na magkaroon siya noon. One day, naiwan niya yung Panda pen niya, so nanghiram siya sa classmate ko:
“Ah Ms. ______, pwede bang mahiram yang JELLY BALL PEN MO?”
May ballpen na pa lang produkto ang Jelly Ace?
1. May lupa sa Silang, Cavite na 7,000 sq. mtr. ang laki. Libre yung property. Naka-advertise pa sa mga diyaryo at mga real estate brokers’ magazine. The day after the ad was posted all over the broadsheets, 100 prospecting buyers went to the site. When they got there, there was a sign board which said…
“This property will be given away free to someone who is really contented in life.”
Walang nakakuha nung libreng lupa.
2. Biboy: “Buboy, pautang naman ng P 5,000.”
Buboy: “Pare, wala akong pera eh.”
Biboy: “O, ayan ah, may utang ka sa ‘king P 5,000 ha?!”
3. Sa mga telenovela, kapag si Juday ang bidang anak, at gumawa siya ng maling bagay (kagaya ng mag-tanan), laban sa kanyang ina na si Sylvia Sanchez, siyempre tama si Juday. Bakit? Kasi siya ang bida.
Ganun din nga ba dapat sa totoong buhay?
4. Some friends of mine got into a drinking spree at Eastwood City.After a couple of rounds, a chubby lady holding her pet cat entered the club. One of my witty friends walked up to the lady:
“Where’d you get the pig?” said my friend.
“St-p-d! This is not a pig! It’s a cat!” said the chubby lady.
“I was talking to the cat!” said my friend.
5. Usapang English ulit…
Bilib na sana ako dun sa isang guest lecturer namin about building confidence.The way he delivered his talk? Wow! Talk about confidence! Galing niya talaga. And I cannot forget the last thing he said. Sabi niya, “The most important thing for you to build confidence is that you should know what you are talking about!” Tapos palakpakan na.
Nung open forum na, may nagtanong kung paano ba maging confident early in life as a youth.
Take not of what he said:
“Well, I can only can tell you that these is a base to base casis.”
I lost my confidence in the guy, seriously.
1. Pag Abril, panahon yan ng paglaganap ng Red Tide. Kadalasan inaabot ng hanggang Agosto bago mawala ng tuluyan. Kaya ano ang ginawa nung kakilala kong katulong?
Bumili ng tahong nung Abril, nilagay sa freezer, at nung Agosto na, inilabas at yun ang niluto.
2. Monday morning bago matapos yung Math subject namin, nag-announce ang teacher na bukas ay magkakaroon ng “ten item surprise quiz.”
Kung akala mo nakakatawa na yun, eto pakinggan mo…
…Kinabukasan, pagdating ni sir, in-announce niya ang quiz in a funny way. He wrote a big announcement which said…
Kinorek namin si sir.
“Sir, kulang ng P!”
So, nilagyan niya ng P…
Buti na lang at Math ang subject niya… at least understandable.
3. Amo: “Barang, ipagtimpla mo nga ako ng kape. Yung walang creamer ha.”
Barang: “Opo, ser!”
(after 10 minutes bumalik si Barang…)
Barang: “Ser, ubos na pala ang creamer natin. Pwede po bang kapeng walang gatas na lang?”
Ika nga nung commercial… “makes sense to me!”
4. Sabi nung kapitbahay namin, kung halimbawang lumubog ang barko at papipiliin siya kung asawa niya o biyenan niya ang ililigtas niya, sabi niya biyenan niya.
“Kasi pag namatay ang asawa ko, hindi ko na rin siya biyenan! Double happiness!”
5. One of my chubby classmates is now working in Riyadh. As he soon found out, one of life’s tragedies there is that there’s no pork served in the restaurants. Well, he tried to look for one. And so he ended up in this fine dining restaurants downtown. Trying to be tactful and careful, he approached one of the hosts and asked, “hey sadik, do you serve pigs here?”
The host stared at him from head to toe, then said with a smile, “Oh yes sir! We serve anybody!” The host then turned to the waiters and shouted “Table for one pig please!”
(intro news music background)
Narito ang mga nagbabagang balita sa oras na ito.
Mahigit 500 pamilya ang ngayo’y walang matuluyan matapos ang isang sunog na naganap sa Dagonoy, San Andres Manila noong nakaraang Lunes. Alas 3 ng madaling araw nagsimula ang nasabing sunog at napatay lamang ito matapos ang 2 oras. Umabot sa 5th alarm ang nasabing trahedya.
Bagaman walang nasawi o malubhang nasugatan, tinatayang aabot ng 500,000 piso ng ari-arian ang natupok sa sunog.
Ayon sa mga imbestigador isang napabayaang kandila ang naging sanhi ng sunog. Nagtataka rin ang mga imbestigadorKUNG BAKIT WALA SINUMAN SA MGA KAPIT-BAHAY ANG SUMAKLOLO SA NASUSUNOG NA BAHAY.
Ayon naman sa mga kapitbahay, NAGKAMALI DI UMANO NG SIGAW ANG MAY-ARI NG BAHAY. Kilalang hikain at madaling mahapo ang may-ari ng bahay. Dahil diyan, HINDI INAKALANG NASUSUNOG ANG BAHAY NG MAGSISIGAW ANG MAY-ARI NG “TUBIG! TUBIG!” imbis na “SUNOG! SUNOG!”
Sa huling panayam sa imbestigador, sinabi nitong MALING SIGAW ang nagpalala ng sunog.
(sa maniwala kayo o hindi, totoong nangyari to.)
1. Kung ikaw ang gasoline boy, isipin mo nga kung paano mo gagawin ang utos nung kliyente mo pag sinabi niyang…
“full tank mo 200!”
2. Isa sa mga new year’s resolution ko eh hindi na ako mangangako, PROMISE!
3. At ang isa pa sa mga new year’s resolution ko eh hindi na ako magsasalita ng tapos, PERIOD.
4. Nalugi yung ukay-ukay dun sa tapat namin. Wala kasing nag-aapply na saleslady. Pano ba namang may mag-a-apply, eh kung ang advertisement nila eh:
“Wanted: SALESLADY, Male or Female.”
5. Usapang English ulit.
A journalism professor was trying to explain what a ‘lead’ is. Sabi niya “the ‘lead’ of the news answers the question of who, where, what and when it happened.” The next day exam namin on identifying the facts indicated in the lead. All except one classmate passed the test. I was wondering why, and so, dahil ka-vibes ko yung prof, nilapitan ko after class, then tinanong ko kung bakit nga bumagsak yung classmate ko. Medyo natatawa pang ipinakita sa akin yung test paper nung ka-klase ko. Eto yung sample nung questionnaire…
“where did it happen?”
“who were involved?”
“how did it happen?”
Oo nga naman. The “lead” answers the questions.